Stay Beautiful, Keep it Ugly

Yeah I finished my personal essay, I was going to write about My Chemical Romance and the break up, but when I opened Word my mind instantly went to this so I just wrote all the thoughts that came to my head. Please leave feedback and constructive criticism. I’d much appreciate it!

I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I felt like my whole world had just collapsed around me. Again and again, i cried down into the phone ignoring the echoing rings, praying for an answer at the other end of the line, but there never was. Each time, it just cut off, crushing my heart once more as it did so. People were walking by me, i tried to hide myself from their eyes, almost curling up on the cold bench just breaking my heart in public. It all felt surreal to me, I couldn’t understand these feelings, I had never experienced such things before. However, I had never experienced love until this period either. Perhaps I was foolish to fall in love at such a young age, If i had never fallen in love then I certainly wouldn’t have been bubbling on a bench outside in the cold for one boy that was never coming back to me.

Heartbreak is a strange thing, and to tell the truth I am still yet to find out if the pain ever leaves us, completely anyway. They say your first love is the strongest, the one you will compare all others too. The one that will never leave your thoughts. If that is true then I believe that your first love is just a cruel stepping stone in life. Being with him made me feel the happiest i’d ever been. Slowly, he helped me conquer my anxieties and insecurities. I learnt to love myself, and in turn was able to love him too. You may think i’m being naive when i say all of this, but when the reason you want to make something of your life, when the reason you want to be a good person is because of someone else, and every part of your body is dominated by this feeling then that is certainly true love.

If someone had told me this time last year that I would be heartbroken, I would have shrugged it off and not believed them. I knew nothing about boys other than the posters of them on my walls. One poster of three punk boys whom go by the name Blink-182. The reason I mention these three as it was their concert that I met him. I’m uncertain on whether I could say that it was actually love at first sight, but there was most definitely a connection. I can still remember him shyly introducing himself, and the silly girly thoughts going through my head. That was the best day of my life, not only because he had entered my world, but because i also got to see my heroes perform on stage. Too many great things happened that day. It’s strange how something can begin so wonderfully, and end so tragically.

Deliriously we would both talk about forever, as any silly teenage couple would. I think i believed the words too much though, counting every “always” as a promise rather than a warmhearted saying. I’ll still sit and find myself lost in the memories, sometimes i’m left feeling a sense of happiness. Sometimes I even trick myself for a moment believing it’s still all okay, that the memories are the present. Then I come out of my fantasy and the dark reality of it all comes crashing back down onto me, making me feel even worse than I may have felt previously. The sad thing is I can’t even turn this off, I cant choose when I think about him. I’m unable to control my mind, my thoughts. It picks when it wants to haunt me. Loss isn’t something i’m familiar with. I haven’t even had a close relative die, which probably makes this harder for me to cope with. Of coarse a death would be much worse, but I can’t even compare this to something similar to that as I have no experience of it. This feels like the worst pain imaginable for me. 

When you lose somebody that you’re in love with, you lose a part of yourself. It’s like a part of you is missing, and you have no idea how to go back to your old ways. During the first two weeks of the break up, I couldn’t eat. My mum would force me to eat small meals. It wasn’t that I was starving myself, my stomach just felt like it was tied into one big knot. Somehow I felt that if I would eat, i would just bring it all back up. I didn’t want to be with my friends anymore, they would keep asking me to go into Glasgow and I would make up any excuse I could think of, but they knew the real reason i’m sure. I even had a foolish theory that If i started getting with other people, getting drunk, i’d forget about him and the memories that came along with him. Rebound never works though, and thankfully I learnt the easy way rather than the hard way by only exchanging kisses with these people rather than regretful things that would have only left me feeling even worse. 

They say time heals everything though, and although i’m still slowly healing i’m sure one day I will be able to say that all of this has made me a better person. I don’t regret the time I spent with him, I only regret the way it ended and would do anything to change that. I think I spent too much time thinking back over the good, rather than the bad. Not every aspect of the relationship was perfect, he may not have been “the one” after all, but i’m young and I have plenty of years to meet that guy. I think from now on, i’m just going to try my best to be happy. That doesn’t mean looking for someone who will fill the gap, it just means being myself and living carelessly. Why search for something when I can wait and see what life has to give me. I think now i’d rather focus on my school work, hopefully get into a good university and maybe one day fulfill my dream as a journalist. I might always have feelings for this boy, but I won’t let those feelings hold me back. One day, I’ll take this story and tell it to my kids, and i’ll comfort my daughter when she has her heart broken for the first time telling her that It does get better, I’ll make sure my son doesn’t break too many hearts, and i know i’ll be happy once again with another boy. Life changes, and it doesn’t stop for anybody.


Sunday, March 24th, 2013

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  5. itsmywayoflife said: How beautifully honest. It’s tugging at my heartstrings. But honest, so honest <3 x
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